From Emotion to Orientation: Expanding Our Understanding of Compersion
Blog written by Shaun Miller, PhD
The journey into understanding compersion has led me down unexpected philosophical pathways. After reading Marie Thouin’s book What is Compersion? I’ve been thinking about how she describes compersion as “an orientation to relationships—a way people can choose to treat one another, based on principles of deep caring and collaboration.” This perspective goes beyond seeing compersion as just an emotional response or an ethical attitude in non-monogamous relationships and frames it as something more fundamental to how we relate to others. Moreover, thinking about the nature of our relational capacities, I’ve found myself questioning not just how we experience joy in others’ connections, but what these experiences reveal about our fundamental orientation toward being-with-others in the world.
The Expanding Horizon of Orientation
What strikes me most profoundly about compersion as “an orientation to relationships” is how it transcends the boundaries of our conventional understanding of orientation. Traditionally, we’ve understood orientation primarily in terms of attraction:
Sexual orientation: Who you’re sexually attracted to
Romantic orientation: Who you’re romantically attracted to
These frameworks have provided essential language for articulating our experiences, yet they remain focused on the self as the center of desire. Over time, discussions have expanded to consider whether other aspects of human experience might also be understood as orientations:
Whether kink might be an orientation toward certain power dynamics
Whether non-monogamy might be an orientation toward relationship structures
But what if orientation extends beyond the gravitational pull of attraction? What if it also encompasses how we position ourselves emotionally and ethically in relation to others’ experiences of joy and fulfillment?
Relational Ontology: Being-Through-Connection
If we accept compersion as an orientation, we’re talking about a general disposition toward others that goes beyond specific relationship contexts. It becomes a way of being in the world that’s characterized by:
Taking joy in others’ positive experiences
Approaching relationships with a collaborative mindset
Prioritizing mutual flourishing over zero-sum thinking
Maintaining an open stance toward others’ connections
This has interesting implications for how we understand human connection. With some of the people in What is Compersion? they were experiencing something beyond mere tolerance or even acceptance—they felt a genuine warmth and expansion in witnessing their joy. This wasn’t the compersion I had learned about as an emotional response to non-monogamy; it felt more foundational, more intrinsic to how they orient themselves toward human connection itself. We begin to see the outlines of what philosophers have called relational ontology—a way of being that is fundamentally constituted through our connections with others.
In this framework, compersion isn’t merely an emotional response or ethical stance; it becomes a mode of existence. Just as Heidegger spoke of Dasein as “being-in-the-world,” compersion as orientation points to a “being-through-connection” that recognizes our interdependence not as limitation but as possibility.
The philosophical implications are profound. If traditional orientations (sexual, romantic, etc.) answer the question “To whom am I attracted to?” compersive orientation addresses the existential question: “How do I situate myself in relation to others’ flourishing?"
Rethinking the Opposite of Compersion
If compersion is an orientation toward relationships based on sympathetic joy and collaborative care, then its true opposite isn't jealousy, as we often assume. Jealousy is a specific emotional response to perceived threats within a relationship. The opposite of a compersive orientation would be misanthropy—a general disposition of negativity toward human connection, taking pleasure in others’ misfortunes, or viewing relationships primarily as sources of pain. This insight illuminates something crucial: jealousy operates within the framework of desire and possession, while misanthropy reflects a fundamental orientation away from human connection itself.
When people struggle with compersion, some of these difficulties aren’t rooted in jealousy alone. Rather, they emerge from temporarily retreating into a more isolated, self-protective stance—brief excursions into mild misanthropy where people withdraw from the vulnerability that deep connection requires.
If my analysis is correct, then developing a compersive orientation isn’t simply about overcoming jealousy; it’s about cultivating that ethical attitude and having the courage to remain open to others’ joy even when that openness makes us vulnerable. It’s about resisting the misanthropic impulse that promises safety through disconnection.
Compersion as Existential Practice
What would it mean to consciously develop compersion as “an orientation to relationships”? Beyond the context of non-monogamy, this question invites us to consider how we might practice “being-through-connection” as an existential commitment. Rather than seeing compersion as an emotional response you either have or don't have, it becomes an orientation to relationships you can develop and strengthen over time. Here are some:
Attunement: A practice of attuning to the subtle ways to contract or expand in response to others’ joy.
Intentionally Choosing: Observing the moments where there’s a temptation to withdraw from connection and intentionally choosing to remain present instead.
Relationship communication: It provides a framework for discussing relational styles beyond just identifying as monogamous or non-monogamous
Positionality: Recognizing that the capacity for sympathetic joy isn’t merely a personality trait but a way of positioning oneself in relation to the human community.
Conclusion: Toward a Compersive Existence
As we expand our understanding of orientation beyond attraction to include how we position ourselves in relation to others' experiences, we open new possibilities for living meaningfully in an interconnected world. Whether or not we practice non-monogamy, compersion as orientation offers not just a way of responding to specific relationship dynamics, but a comprehensive approach to human connection grounded in “deep caring and collaboration.”
In a cultural moment often characterized by isolation and division, cultivating a compersive orientation represents a radical philosophical stance—one that affirms our interconnection not as an incidental fact but as the very ground of our being. By choosing to orient ourselves toward others’ flourishing, we don’t just transform our relationships; we reimagine what it means to be human in a world of others.
The question remains open: Can we cultivate compersion not just as an emotional response or ethical commitment, but as our fundamental way of being-with-others? The answer, I believe, lies not in philosophical abstraction but in the daily practice of remaining open to joy—both our own and that which flows through the lives around us.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Shaun Miller earned his PhD from Marquette University and specializes in the philosophy of sex, love, and relationships. His research explores how these subjects can be taught within comprehensive sex education frameworks that move beyond basic behavioral instruction to address deeper philosophical questions. Currently serving as a philosophy professor at Iona University, Dr. Miller challenges students to engage critically with foundational concepts in our connections through ethical considerations.
Outside of academia, he maintains an active lifestyle through running and enjoys exploring the diverse cultural landscape of New York City. A passionate coffee enthusiast, Shaun takes pleasure in discovering the nuanced pairings between specialty coffees and pastries—finding small moments of delight in these carefully considered combinations.
Learn more at https://shaunmiller.blog and follow him on Instagram @coffeeandresearch
