Tolyamory—a blend of "tolerate" and "polyamory"—is a term newly coined by sex advice columnist and podcaster Dan Savage to describe a relationship dynamic in which one or both partners of an ostensibly monogamous couple turn a blind eye to their partner’s extramarital sexual activity.

How does it show up? Is it ethical? What does it have to do with compersion? Let’s categorize different types of tolyamory and explore whether it can ever qualify as a form of ENM (ethical non-monogamy).

Recently, I had the pleasure of speaking with Dr. Marie Thouin, a leading scholar on compersion and the author of the groundbreaking book, What is Compersion? Understanding Positive Empathy in Consensually Non-Monogamous Relationships. Our Instagram Live conversation focused on demystifying compersion and exploring how individuals practicing consensual non-monogamy (CNM) can cultivate this often misunderstood emotion.

This is the foreword to Marie Thouin’s forthcoming book, What Is Compersion? Understanding Positive Empathy in Consensually Non-Monogamous Relationships. Jessica Fern is a Psychotherapist, Coach, and Certified Clinical Trauma Professional. Jessica is the author of Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma, and NonMonogamy, The Polysecure Workbook, and Polywise: A Deeper Dive Into Navigating Open Relationships. 

After emerging from a silent meditation retreat, Dedeker initially believes she has achieved a state of enlightened compersion—the ability to feel joy for her partners' happiness in non-monogamy. However, reality quickly tests this newfound clarity. One partner embarks on an adventure with a metamour who despises them, while another falls in love with a stripper and decides to marry monogamously. The author grapples with jealousy, resentment, and the cultural resistance to compersion, ultimately realizing that true sympathetic joy cannot be forced. Through time, self-reflection, and reconciliation, they discover that compersion is not about suppressing difficult emotions but about healing and allowing joy to arise naturally.

For many non-monogamous folks, their participation in non-monogamy is a form of resisting ideas about love and relationships that were imposed upon us by oppressive social systems. And not only do they reject the notions of how we “should” be in relationships as dictated by standard societal ideals, but they reject the notions of how we should FEEL about relationships as dictated by standard societal ideals, to include the experience of compersion.

A comperstruggle is when you’re caught between jealousy and compersion. This is what we call the experience of sincerely wanting our loved ones to have a great time with others–aka having a compersive ATTITUDE–but at the same exact time, struggling with painful jealous feelings.

Maybe polyamory is not your jam.

Maybe ambiamory—the ability to enjoy both monogamy and polyamory with little to no preference between the two—is still a bit much.

Maybe monogamish sounds vague to you—or 10% more poly than how you really feel.

But maaaybe, just maybe, the idea of strict lifelong monogamy also doesn’t fully apply to you.

There’s a new word for that: monoflexibility. It’s the heteroflexibility of relationships.

Jealousy is not the enemy. Choosing our responses to it thoughtfully makes it possible for jealousy to enhance our intimacy with self and others, rather than harm our relationships. This blog provides a life-affirming understanding of jealousy’s nature and purpose, as well as 5 steps for navigating this emotion more constructively in consensually non-monogamous relationships and beyond.

The blog features scholar Kim Tallbear’s critique of the couple-centric norms prevalent in polyamorous communities. She challenges the assumption that polyamory must revolve around primary relationships, arguing that this mirrors monogamous structures that uphold patriarchal and colonial ideals. Drawing from her Indigenous background, she contrasts the nuclear family model with the extended kin networks she grew up with, suggesting that they offer a more supportive and meaningful structure for relationships. Ultimately, she explores the idea of “decolonizing love," acknowledging the challenges of dismantling colonial relationship structures while seeking alternative, community-based ways of connecting.

Can the worldview that the Universe is conspiring in our favor (rather than against us) enhance compersion?

Pronoia, as described in Rob Brezsny’s Pronoia Is The Antidote For Paranoia: How The Whole World Is Conspiring To Shower You With Blessings, is the idea that the Universe is conspiring on our behalf; that everything happens for us, not to us. Because it is such a powerful antidote to the pervasive negativity that permeates our conditioned minds, pronoia can be an essential tool for anyone looking to invite more compersion into their lives–whether in consensually non-monogamous relationships or in other contexts.

Looking at love as a way to elevate one another, and taking joy in their autonomous, unique, and incommensurable expression—rather than under the lens of conditionality and control—begins with an intention. When we develop a “compersive attitude,” experiences of envy or jealousy can be framed not as a personal affront, but as an indicator that there is an opportunity to fill our individual and relational plates more abundantly.

Incommensurability can help us to liberate ourselves from the idea that there is an abstract, seemingly universal meaning and function to physical intimacy that poses a constant invitation to compare who does it ‘better’. Incommensurability offers us a view on intimacy that lets us cherish the specificity and uniqueness of each intimate connection for its own sake.

As someone who doesn’t like to be pigeonholed into tightly defined labels or identities, novogamy is the term I had been waiting for all my life! Finding out about it gave me a sigh of relief—and a breath of fresh air.

Novogamy is the freedom to adopt any relationship structure that suits you and your partner(s) in a consensual manner, at any given point, without binding yourself to a rigid identity or set of beliefs. The term was coined by Dr. Jorge Ferrer in his recent book, Love & Freedom: Transcending Monogamy and Polyamory, which explains in great detail why monogamists and polyamorists should finally stop their ideological war (and live happily forever after on whatever relational path suits them best).

Refreshingly, novogamy says that we don’t have to choose between monogamy OR polyamory—OR any other relationship style for that matter, in a permanent way. Novogamy expands relational choices beyond the mono/poly binary, and eschews the age-old debate around the supposed superiority or naturalness of monogamy versus polyamory—and instead argues that there is no such thing as one “universal truth” when it comes to intimate relationships.

Creating a relational life that embodies the necessary conditions for compersion represents a remarkable feat in and of itself—because these are conditions of healthy relating. We may compersion as a flashlight to illuminate the areas in our relationships that can be improved.

The essence of this journey into empathy and gratitude can apply to monogamists and consensually non-monogamous folks alike—providing a foundation for relationship satisfaction and individual happiness in any relationship style.

Is compersion necessary for successful non-monogamous relationships? Well, it turns out, it depends on how we define “compersion”. I discovered that, far from being a single concept, compersion falls into two main categories: embodied and attitudinal.