Your jealousy roadmap — What is Compersion?

Your stomach’s in knots, your jaw is clenched, your pulse is racing, and the bottom just dropped out from somewhere deep inside your chest. Every cell in your body is acting like the world is ending. It’s time to get some work done, but you can feel how the next few minutes will probably unravel your whole day. You know you’ll pull it together, but it feels like pulling yourself through fire and sludge at the same time. Your mind is racing, filled with what-ifs, flowing so fast it's hard to describe what’s really bothering you. Yeah, it’s nothing; just ignore it. And you do, but a minute later, you find your thoughts circling back to some little thing, a clue, a hint that your partnership isn’t safe. Someone is interfering. Someone is a threat. And if you don’t fix it, your relationship—no, it’s worse than that—you yourself are doomed.

Hi, jealousy, thanks for the mess.

Jealousy is defined by researchers as a protective emotion designed to arise in response to a perceived threat to a valued relationship. That’s a bit dry compared to the hot mess jealousy feels like for most people.

I’ve had hundreds of conversations about jealousy—everyone’s experience of jealousy is a little different, but there are many commonalities. It’s a completely normal, even banal, thing to experience jealousy. But that doesn’t make it easier. Jealousy is viscerally difficult because it taps into our sense of safety and our survival instincts.

Researchers can spot jealousy in infants as young as six months old. In the experiments, infants briefly lost the attention of their primary caregiver to a realistic toy baby. Researchers observed infants’ faces contorting with discomfort, and the infants attempted to regain connection through crying and reaching, the typical connection behaviors of an infant. The infants did not show the same discomfort when their caregiver paid attention to a book. In other words, even in the first year of life, we monitor for the interruption of our valued personal connections and stand ready to make a fuss should these connections seem threatened. In that vulnerable time, we need to maintain connection with our caregivers in order to access basic resources, such as food and safety, so this makes intuitive sense. I need you. Therefore, I will not tolerate an interruption to our relationship.

While childhood jealousy makes a ton of sense, jealousy doesn’t magically disappear when we are old enough to secure resources on our own. It finds its way into our romances, friendships, workspaces, teams, and families. Jealousy is creative, too—even if there is no objective person to interrupt, the imagination is so powerful. It can very easily create an imaginal figure threatening to destroy our connection. We can see threats where none exists, project our fear onto people with no ill intent, or invent an amalgam from the random people our partner interacts with at work or on social media.

While there is a distinction between core jealousy, present in infants, and our later experience of romantic jealousy in intimate relationships, jealousy has a wisdom of its own in either case.

In adult relationships, jealousy helps us identify relationships we feel intensely about, and potential threats to these valued relationships, just as it did when we were infants. As adults, though, the wisdom of jealousy cannot be taken at face value. We must investigate it and attend to it with care in order to access the information jealousy provides without accidentally shifting into child-like reactivity.

How to spot jealousy (and distinguish it from envy)

Jealousy is triangular. I’ve got myself, my valued Other, and then, the one who could break us: the perceived interrupter. It’s that third party that lets us distinguish jealousy from envy. In jealousy, there’s always a triangle, someone I believe can or will interfere with my beloved connection. In envy, I long to have what you have or be who you are.

Envy can easily be part of the glop of emotions that jealousy brings. If I compare myself to the perceived interrupter and find myself lacking in some way, I can easily become envious of who they are, how they inhabit their body, the qualities they have, and the life they live. Now I’ve got envy and jealousy going on. And we haven’t even begun to unpack the host of other emotional components of jealousy yet!

Most researchers understand jealousy to be a complex emotion, made of basic, irreducible emotions like sadness, anger, and fear. I think of this as the glop of jealousy. Your experience of jealousy will be a unique concoction of emotions, and it can change from relationship to relationship, situation to situation.

Jealousy can bring fear (it is about a threat, so that makes sense, right?), anger ranging from frustration to rage, sadness, anxiety, envy, confusion, shame, grief, and anticipatory grief (you know, when you’re already playing out the funeral for a relationship that hasn’t ended).

Since jealousy can bring so many different emotions to the surface, it's not uncommon for us to feel misunderstood when we talk about it. If my friend tends to experience lots of sadness and anxiety when they feel a threatening interruption to their precious relationships, and I tend to get hostile and snippy with a bunch of icky shame feelings, we might not realize that we’re both feeling jealousy, just in our unique flavors.

Relationship Structures & Jealousy

In the modern monogamous relationship paradigm, jealousy is paradoxical. On the one hand, we don’t want to feel jealousy, ever, and monogamy is supposed to protect us from that potential pain. This is less than ideal: even if we can escape jealousy, trying to protect ourselves from an emotion cuts off access to what it’s trying to show us.

On the other hand, jealousy is also seen as proof of love. When someone isn’t jealous at all, there can be suspicion about whether they love you enough. Most people have a personal goldilocks amount of jealousy—dosed in just the right amount, at the right time, at the right temperature, in the right way.

Dr. Maya Angelou conveyed this paradox brilliantly, “Jealousy in romance is like salt in food. A little can enhance the savor, but too much can spoil the pleasure and, under certain circumstances, can be life-threatening”. This paradox can have dangerous shadows.

It would be foolish to reimagine jealousy without taking these shadows seriously. Jealousy is frequently named as the precipitator of domestic violence. What may look like affectionate caring at the beginning of a relationship can morph into partner monitoring and controlling behaviors over time. Jealousy is challenging precisely because it serves a purpose as an indicator of care, evolved over millennia. In just the right “dose,” jealousy can feel good, but jealousy cannot be objectively measured, and overdoses can have deadly consequences. Each of us will feel good about a different level of closeness, attentiveness, and even control. Some of us experience sexual arousal in the face of jealousy. Others feel desired and protected when jealousy is present in their relationships. Many of us intellectually resist jealousy, but when I do psychological shadow work with people, we often uncover conflicting repressed enjoyment of the green-eyed monster. Denying our mixed feelings about jealousy only encourages us to shove it deeper into the shadows.

The most helpful thing we can do is to flip the lights on and begin looking at jealousy for what it is—a complicated human emotion.

While most definitions of jealousy normalize the monogamous paradigm, honest forms of non-monogamy tend to have a different take on jealousy. In non-monogamy, there is a conscious intention to create multiple relationships, which introduces the triangular potential of jealousy immediately. Many people note that jealousy was their first big worry when entering non-monogamous relationships. Since there is not only the possibility but the intention for multiple connections to occur simultaneously, jealousy cannot be avoided entirely in non-monogamy.

Or can it? Denial and suppression of jealousy can happen in non-monogamous communities.

In some, it’s considered completely normal to talk about feeling jealousy, and in others, there is a tone of derision surrounding jealousy, which fuels the shadow aspects of jealousy. I’ve heard numerous stories of particularly pedantic non-monogamists touting that jealousy is simply an unevolved reaction to one’s own insecurity—completely an individual’s own problem when it comes up.

Sorry, it’s just not that simple.

Jealousy is a social emotion. Its inherent wisdom is to keep us connected. Yes, there are really awful ways to act on jealousy. But there are also wonderful opportunities to deepen our intimacy, strengthen our relationships, know ourselves better, and even heal past trauma by attending thoughtfully to jealousy, without demonizing it or putting it on a pedestal.

By re-homing jealousy into neutral territory, we can regain access to its full wisdom and learn new ways of working with jealousy to increase our sense of connection to Others and to our Self. Jealousy is an emotion, not an enemy. It’s also an archetypal pattern traceable through our ancient mythologies, great literature, film, and music. Archetypal patterns are not good or bad: they are patterns of readiness for action. In other words, jealousy is a natural human experience, just like anger or sadness– and it’s therefore morally neutral until we choose how to act on it. '

Choosing our response thoughtfully makes it possible for jealousy to enhance our intimacy rather than harm our relationships.

The 5-step roadmap through jealousy

Though jealousy itself is neutral, when it shows up in our close relationships, it often feels like a tidal wave, taking us to emotional depths without much warning. It can destroy our sense of security and inspire us to jump to conclusions about our partners. But jealousy isn’t equally overwhelming for everyone. Some people manage jealousy with less suffering than others.

In my research with consensually non-monogamous individuals, a pattern emerged among those who were managing jealousy relatively with less pain–not less intensity, as they still described highly intense bouts of jealousy–but with less long term suffering. The pattern is that they followed the five steps below.

By working through the five steps of the jealousy roadmap, jealousy can be brought out of the shadows, and people can actively relieve themselves of the shame, blame, and pain that unexamined jealousy brings.

The Jealousy Roadmap is not about curing jealousy. Its purpose is to help us move productively through jealousy and to learn what it has to teach about our relational needs, wants, and boundaries.

The steps are: Name, Notice, Narrate, Navigate your needs, and Nurture compersion.

Step One: Notice it

The first step is to notice. In order to notice jealousy, we need to slow down. The tidal wave of an archetypal pattern like jealousy can lead us to act very quickly. So quickly, we often don’t even know what instigated our actions. Noticing begins with paying attention to the sensations in your body, the thoughts in your mind, and the ways you’re trying to avoid being present to either of those things.

To notice jealousy sensations, it's helpful to re-imagine a past experience of jealousy. Put yourself in that moment and recall how it felt; what was the heat, tension, weight, size, texture, or sound in your body? Where do you feel it, even now, with some distance of time?

Bookmark that sensation. Label it *This is a sensation I feel when jealousy comes up.* There may be several—and these may change over time; working with jealousy is a process.

Noticing achieves two things: one, it can suspend or interrupt the urgency to do something right now. Typically, jealousy isn’t an emergency. Even if it is telling you incredibly relevant and valid information about the security of your relationship, taking your next steps from a place of measured decision is a better idea than acting out of panic. Two, noticing lets you take control back. Your jealousy may indicate that you’ll need to make a change, but that change begins with you. You don’t have to wait for anyone else to do anything for you to begin working with your jealousy. This is a more efficient path out of suffering.

Step Two: Name it

The second step is to name the jealousy and all the feelings in the glop of your specific jealousy right now. Naming the feeling is an act of reclaiming it. If you feel shame when you notice jealousy or when you try to talk about it, that’s a clue that jealousy is in your shadow. Your shadow is what C.G. Jung called “the thing a person has no wish to be”. In other words, we tuck jealous feelings into the shadow where we don’t have to own it consciously. That is totally understandable because we aren’t taught much about jealousy at all. Think back: what messages did you get about jealousy? Most of the people I’ve interviewed realized it was very little or none. It makes sense that we would either shove it down or get flustered and act out when jealousy comes up.

Jealousy often causes confusion because it’s got all these other emotions around it. What flavor is your jealousy at this moment? It’s okay if you aren’t sure yet. Using a feelings wheel can help you identify more of the things you are feeling simultaneously (A small caveat: jealousy is typically grouped under anger on these wheels and that’s just one of many emotions that can be experienced alongside jealousy.)

Once you notice what other emotions are in this specific glop of jealousy, you can apply the skills you already have to manage them. Most of us have skills and tools for dealing with anger, sadness, grief, etc., so use them. Also, being able to name the flavor of your jealousy can help you identify your needs and thus recruit support more effectively. Whether that support comes from your partner, a friend, a coach, a therapist, or a community, naming the specific flavor of your jealousy lets them provide more effective support. Do ask for help. There’s no need to feel shame about jealousy, and if you’re in a space where that’s not the norm- find new support. Jealousy is a feeling, and shaming feelings shuts down both growth and relational connection.

Step Three: Narrative matters

The third step is to identify your narrative of jealousy. What does jealousy mean about your relationship? What does it mean about you? The story you tell yourself about jealousy is the truth you know about jealousy. It will define how you interpret your body’s sensations of jealousy. It will determine what steps you take when jealousy bubbles up in you–-or when it gets aimed at you from someone else.

You’ve already been creating meaning about jealousy; humans are meaning-making creatures by nature. Now it’s time to bring that process into your conscious awareness.

Start by journaling the answers to these questions or use them to have an intentional conversation with a trusted friend or thought partner:

What does jealousy mean about your relationship?
What does jealousy mean about you?
What is the right way for jealousy to show up–is it ever right?
What did you learn about jealousy as a child?
How does jealousy get talked about in your close relationships?
What do you (secretly?) think when someone else gets jealous?
How do you feel when your partner is jealous of attention you are receiving?
What does it mean if your partner(s) isn’t jealous at all?
What does it mean if your partner(s) is super jealous?
What does it mean if you’re not feeling any jealousy about your most intimate partner(s)?
Does jealousy get judged in your communities?
How does jealousy get talked about when someone brings it up?
Is it safe to feel jealous?
Is it safe to be accused of feeling jealous?
Is it safe to be accused of being an interrupter?

As you work with your jealousy narratives consciously, your jealousy story will change. Begin taking actions based on your conscious answers to the questions above, then revisit this exercise in a year and see what shifts have happened!

One of my clients began changing his jealousy experience by actively naming his secret, kinky delight in having his partner feel jealous of him. He had spent several years prior reaffirming that jealousy was–-in his words, “a bad look”—repeatedly telling his partner they needed to get their jealousy under control. When he discovered that he was enjoying jealousy to some extent, he noticed how much power he actually possessed to change the way jealousy worked in their relationship. It wasn’t easy, though–the first time he chose not to flirt with the waitstaff at dinner, he realized that his ego had been relying on all the attention that he’d been receiving by fanning small sparks of jealousy. While this particular person chose to work with jealousy by ending his flirtation habits, this story could have gone another way. If both partners were interested, they might have negotiated some explicit, kinky jealousy play together.

Step Four: Navigate your needs

The fourth step is where you take action by applying (and probably leveling up) your relationship skills–-it’s time to navigate your needs. This step could be a whole book, easily. It already is, in fact, the material in many, many books!

Some of the relational skills that are critical for navigating your needs to reduce painful or disruptive jealousy include:

Boundary setting: Do you know what your boundaries are? Are you able to articulate them and hold a consequence if your boundaries are violated?

Agreement making: How explicit are your agreements about spending resources, time, and attention with each partner in your life? Have you been relying on implicit expectations rather than making explicit agreements?

Hinge skills: This is a term I coined to describe all the habits and practices that make it easier to handle the needs, priorities, and challenges of having more than one relationship simultaneously. Being able to set and hold boundaries and make explicit agreements are examples of hinge skills, but there are many others such as managing transitions, having clear decision-making frameworks, and practicing psychological differentiation. I cover these in depth in my group coaching program The Year of Opening.

Learning how to identify your needs and wants and then collaborate with your intimate circle to meet those needs is a complex and beautiful process.

One of the most notable needs regarding jealousy is to feel safe. Since jealousy is, at its core, a fear that your valued relationship will be interrupted, it’s reasonable to assume that your sense of safety is a bit (or a lot) wobbly when jealousy comes up.

Two ways to address that need: 1. Build a sense of embodied safety in your own self. 2. Ask for reassurance from your partner(s).

Do the first one. Absolutely. Building a strong sense of trust and safety in your body is always a great investment of energy.

And ask for the reassurance you desire. If your partner is unwilling to provide that, it's a good time to involve a third party if you can–-even in the form of an article or podcast. Just sharing a new way to look at jealousy can help partners show up with more tenderness and less judgment around jealousy. It is possible that jealousy could lead to a loop of fear>ask>reassure>right back to fear. This can lead to frustration on the part of your partner, especially when there is no objective threat or clear behaviors that could be triggering the jealousy.

So-called irrational jealousy–the kind with no real-life threat to the relationship–is tougher to manage, but I have good news. If it’s truly unfounded, then the work you do in therapy or coaching to uncover your jealousy triggers and shadows is completely within your reach. You don’t have to wait for anyone to agree to new behaviors. You need to get started on your own inner work.

I’d be remiss not to mention that many times people are told there is no rational source for their jealousy when there is. This is awful treatment, and you don’t deserve it. Definitely seek professional relational counseling if you suspect this is happening. You deserve support while trying to understand what is going on, especially when your relationship has patterns of hiding, blame, or deflection.

Step Five: Nurture compersion

The fifth step is somewhat aspirational and actually completely optional, but most people who know about it want to rush straight to this one anyways. This step is nurturing compersion. Not forcing. Nurturing, encouraging, fostering, facilitating, yes, but never forcing.

Compersion is the feeling of joy for another’s joy, even if it has nothing to do with me.

It can be a juicy, deeply embodied, joyful sensation, and frequently, people ask me how do I transform my jealousy into compersion. My answer to that question is: don’t. Please don’t even try to transform jealousy into compersion–it’s like trying to change peanuts into jelly. You can make some nice peanut butter with peanuts, but trying to make jelly? Well, obviously, that’s just nonsense. Compersion’s raw materials are joy-based. Jealousy’s raw materials are protective-based. These two ways of experiencing relationships are just different.

To move through jealousy isn’t to cure it or to excise it from your life forever. Working with jealousy is an iterative process. It will come to visit from time to time. If you nurture compersion, it is possible that the two will coexist at times. You may be able to feel intellectually and attitudinally compersive before you get to experience embodied compersion. It’s okay. These are emotions, and as such, they are morally neutral. It’s how you act on them that matters.

Compersion can be thought of as an antonym for jealousy, but that doesn’t mean they are mutually exclusive. We’re capable of experiencing multiple, complexly layered emotional states, in fact, when we feel happy and sad together, we call it bittersweet. Learning to let two things be true at once is a brilliant way to make space for compersion long before you feel you’ve mastered working with jealousy. Perhaps we will soon have a word that captures feeling jealous and compersive simultaneously!

Compersion can be fostered in many ways (as you can see from other blogs and resources on this site!), but one thing was absolutely clear in my research: forcing compersion, or attempting to, just results in resentment and self-loathing. This easily brings up more anger, sadness, fear, and envy… the whole jealousy gang can appear. Pressuring someone or insinuating that someone should feel compersion is antithetical to the premise of compersion itself. Relax your white-knuckle-hope for compersion. Feed yourself with emotional and nervous-system support, learn the best practices for complex relationships, and invite compersion the way you might invite a timid kitten to come to play with you.

Jealousy is an opportunity

I’ve seen jealousy positively transform the lives of people who choose to look straight at it. Jealousy offers a wealth of insight and as you put the five steps into action—you will know yourself better.

You will have increased compassion for yourself and others when jealousy arrives, which not only eases your own suffering but contributes to the relational healing of our world. Together, we can end the cycle of overwhelm, repression, and violence that has been the hallmark of jealousy for too long. By looking at it directly, we can re-home jealousy as a neutral archetypal pattern that warrants our mindful attention.

At each brush with jealousy, you have the opportunity to move into a deeper relationship with yourself and every close relationship you have. As you feel the sensations rise, remember that jealousy is not the enemy—and break out your roadmap again.