Demystifying Compersion: Insights from Marie Thouin’s Groundbreaking New Book

Recently, I had the pleasure of speaking with Dr. Marie Thouin, a leading scholar on compersion and the author of the groundbreaking book, What is Compersion? Understanding Positive Empathy in Consensually Non-Monogamous Relationships. Our Instagram Live conversation focused on demystifying compersion and exploring how individuals practicing consensual non-monogamy (CNM) can cultivate this often misunderstood emotion.

Defining Compersion

In her scholarly work, Dr. Thouin offers a three-part definition of compersion, the first two focusing on non-monogamous contexts and the third referring to any context:

Compersion refers to a broad range of positive emotions experienced in relation to one’s intimate partner’s extra-dyadic intimate relations.
Compersion refers to the broad range of positive attitudes, thoughts, and/or actions manifested in relation to one’s intimate partner’s extra-dyadic intimate relations.
Compersion refers to the broad range of positive emotions, attitudes, thoughts, and/or actions manifested in relation to another person’s gratifying experience in any context.

The First Encyclopedic Definition of Compersion

(Co-Authored by Dr. Marie Thouin and Dr. Sharon Flicker)

As Marie writes about this win:
“The first ever encyclopedic entry on #compersion is now published in Springer Nature's Encyclopedia of Sexual Psychology and Behavior…

✨ Documenting the experience of compersion is a major step in normalizing RELATIONSHIP DIVERSITY and dismantling stigma towards consensually non-monogamous individuals.

💗 By understanding compersion, we chip away at mononormativity (the socialized belief that monogamy is the only legitimate, and morally superior, relationship style) by challenging one of its core assumptions: that jealousy is the
only valid response to intimacy beyond two partners.

📚This encyclopedic entry also brings us a step closer to having 'compersion' be included in main English DICTIONARIES like Merriam-Webster and Oxford! This would be another huge win in the realm of normalizing relationship diversity and expanding our understanding of under-discussed human emotions and experiences.”

Practical Advice for Fostering Compersion

Marie distinguishes between embodied compersion and attitudinal compersion; while it can be challenging for someone new to non-monogamy to immediately feel joy or empathy for their partner’s happiness with someone else, rooting into the values of consensual non-monogamy and holding an ethic or attitude of compersion is often a more achievable practice or first step towards a more compersive relationship ecosystem. This approach allows individuals to cultivate a compersive attitude even if the emotional experience of compersion isn’t immediately present.

The journey toward cultivating compersion is a multi-step process that isn’t linear or fixed. For those experiencing a lot of jealousy who want to feel more compersion, the first step is to aim for what Marie calls “benevolent neutrality” (a regulated sense of some inner peace with the idea of your partner deriving happiness from another person or relationship). From there, one can work towards attitudinal compersion, an ethic or philosophy rooted in CNM values, and eventually reach the enriching experience of embodied compersion (one of the research participants in Marie’s book described that embodied compersion feels like champagne - bubbly, sparkly, maybe a little flushed). It can be an enriching experience for all involved to feel this, but is not the end all be all goal of non-monogamous relationships.

One Caveat: Don’t Let Compersion Become Toxic Positivity

Some non-monogamous communities herald compersion as the “ultimate desired state” in non-monogamy and sometimes that pursuit can become a form of toxic positivity or even gaslighting when other emotions need to be dealt with.

Jessica Fern talks about this in the foreword to Marie’s book, and I’ve definitely had my own coaching clients who beat themselves up (or shame their partners for not being “poly enough”) if they aren’t feeling compersion all of the time.

The Jealousy-Compersion Spectrum

Dr. Thouin’s research also explores the relationship between jealousy and compersion (which she considers antonyms). Her research shows that both emotions can coexist, and it’s normal to experience jealousy even after years of practicing non-monogamy. The goal is not to create a moral hierarchy between emotional states but to allow for a range of emotions without shaming anyone for feeling jealous.

Tips for Understanding & Dismantling Jealousy

For a lot of people, jealousy never fully goes away over time and the point is not to create a moral hierarchy between emotional states or shame people who feel jealousy. Getting rid of jealousy entirely is not the goal — and as Marie explores in the book, it would be weird if we expected to never have other emotions like being angry or sad. I’ve also had clients get a lot of relief and feel validated when I tell them that sometimes after 10 years on this journey of practice non-monogamy myself, I still feel jealousy sometimes, and that’s normal.

The book explores a “non-mononormative approach to dismantling jealousy” which might include things like:

Considering the underlying information held within the emotion of jealousy as as tool for self-reflection and deepened self awareness
Making explicit agreements with partners that either person can safely ask for reassurance when experiencing jealous feelings and to do their best to meet these vulnerable requests with compassion and kindness (The last thing we want to do is heap shame on top of someone who is experiencing jealous feelings and further disempower them!)
Taking personal responsibility and agency for jealousy
Identifying and understanding the source of jealousy
Learning to self soothe and self regulate
Strategizing to create more attachment security, get more needed met, replace shame with compassion
Taking personal responsibility for not acting on jealousy with a sense or entitlement to someone’s attention, body or time

A Shift from Individualism to Mutualism

Normalizing compersion has the potential to foster a more compassionate and empathetic culture. Shifting the focus from what serves an individual to what serves the whole is a radical and necessary departure from the individualism and self centeredness that dominates so much of American culture. This shift is particularly needed in our increasingly polarized political landscape, where a sense of interconnectedness and communal care is more important than ever.

Compersion offers a pathway to richer emotional and sexual lives, authentic expression, and enhanced relationship satisfaction. By embracing positive empathy and gratitude, we can create more harmonious and fulfilling non-monogamous relationships.

Community and Continued Learning

Dr. Thouin’s book is a valuable resource for anyone looking to deepen their understanding of compersion and its role in CNM relationships. Her work not only demystifies this complex emotion but also provides practical guidance for cultivating a compersive attitude. For those interested in learning more, be sure to check out her book and attend her upcoming events. Follow Marie on Instagram at @love_insight_dating and learn more about her work at WhatisCompersion.com