Guest blog by Kathy Labriola, Counselor, Nurse, & Author
What is compersion?
You may have heard the term “Compersion” touted by people in open relationships. Compersion is a combination of pleasant thoughts and feelings you may experience towards your partner when they are in a positive romantic or sexual relationship with someone else. Because you care about your partner's happiness, it is at least possible that you can enjoy knowing they are having a delightful relationship with another lover.
Most people laugh out loud when they first hear the concept of compersion. Joanne’s husband told her she “should” feel all warm and fuzzy about him sleeping with someone new. Her response was, “Good luck with that! I'm too busy restraining myself from going nuclear on him to feel any compersion!”
What prevents compersion? Feelings of deprivation, exclusion, and abandonment
There is no guarantee that we can magically create compersion, but we can address the obstacles that prevent it: feelings of deprivation, abandonment, and exclusion. First and foremost, we need to feel we are getting “enough” love and attention before we can hope to feel good about our partner having other lovers, as scarcity will always trump compersion. Our immediate experience is usually intense loss and grief, so our reaction is feeling deprived rather than generous and supportive of our partner's love affair. When Jacob’s wife began a long-distance relationship with another man, he said, “I somehow saw our marriage as a cosmic bank account. I had earned that love over the years of our relationship, and that was like money in the bank. Suddenly, it was like she withdrew my money and gave it to another guy.”
What can we do to feel better?
Feelings of deprivation, abandonment, and exclusion make us feel powerless and victimized. We become convinced that our partner is responsible for causing our pain, and for relieving that pain. Their behaviors certainly can create distress for us, but we are giving away all our power if we believe that they control the cause and the solution. It’s reasonable to ask our partner to keep agreements, give us love and support, and listen to our feelings and needs. However, we can empower ourselves by implementing self-care to meet more of our own needs.
Moving from Deprivation to Responsibility and Abundance
Many people find the feelings of exclusion, abandonment, and deprivation to be so connected that it is difficult to disentangle them. Understanding the distinctions between them can help reduce your jealousy and create compersion. Deprivation is a feeling of sense of scarcity of love, making it impossible to feel good about a partner's other relationships. Moving from deprivation to responsibility and abundance is a way of taking action to meet your needs.
While exclusion, abandonment, and deprivation are different experiences, the solutions are very similar: pursuing activities, experiences, and relationships that provide more meaning and satisfaction in your life, creating a feeling of abundance. Alexis misinterpreted this advice, saying angrily, “I'm already exhausted with my schedule. Cramming more into my life will just make me feel more depleted.” The goal is NOT to add more commitments but rather to look at ways to reorganize your priorities to better satisfy your needs. This will require dropping some activities, delegating some tasks, and possibly adding more fulfilling experiences. Decrease things that drain you, and allow time and space for “recharging your battery.”
Alexis felt frustrated because her lover lived with his primary partner, and could only see her one night a week. She was an Emergency Room nurse, arriving home each night tired and desperate for companionship. She couldn't keep up with her house, yardwork, and cooking. She was looking to her love relationship to somehow “compensate” for all her stress. So she rented out her spare bedroom to a friend, who shared the costs and work. She changed jobs to a hospital closer to home, so she could sleep more and shorten her commute. On weekends when her lover was with his primary partner, she and her roommate planted a garden together, and enjoyed bike rides. The solution was a two-step process: first eliminating some of the stresses that were exhausting her, and then making changes to meet her needs for comfort, attention, and companionship.
Move from Exclusion to Belonging
Being left home while your partner is having fun with someone else can create resentment and envy, and may feel like being excluded from “the cool clique” as a kid, or being rejected by a previous lover. And you feel more left out if your partner does romantic things with the new lover that may be missing in your relationship: sending flowers, getting sexy texts and emails, or candlelight dinners.
You can move from feeling excluded to a feeling of belonging by taking actions that make you feel more connected, to your partner, to your community, to your own goals and projects. Clara explained, “Exclusion feels like everybody else is gathered around the Christmas tree opening their presents, and I'm outside in the snow all alone looking in the window.” She realized even though her lover Sebastian was dating someone else, she in fact had many avenues of belonging. She had a close relationship with her mother and sister, and was well-respected at her job and felt a sense of belonging and importance there. When she feel left out when her partner was on a date, she reminded herself that she had other options for feeling loved and appreciated. She planned social events, getting together with family members or friends, or work-related activities, so she would not feel alone.
Move from Abandonment to Autonomy
Most people have some feelings of abandonment when their partner sleeps with someone else. While exclusion is about someone else being chosen to participate while you are being rejected. abandonment is being left alone by someone you expected to be available. So abandonment is more about feeling lonely and wanting companionship and attention.
“Abandonment” implies that one person is responsible for the well-being of the other. In fact it is not really possible for an adult to be abandoned, because, unlike children, adults are capable of taking care of themselves. We can move from abandonment to autonomy by becoming more independent, giving up the myth that we cannot survive without our partner's attention. Remember that your connection to your partner continues even while they are involved in an outside relationship. Trust in the bond you have with your partner, knowing that your relationship is strong enough to survive these brief separations.
Moving towards autonomy could mean choosing to pursue an interest, whether that is skiing, starting a band, political activism, a spiritual practice, or going back to school. It could mean spending more time with friends, or more time at work on a special project. Or you may want to start dating someone new or developing a deeper relationship with a current outside partner. Seeing your partner as the source of your happiness gives your relationship way too much power over your life and puts too much pressure on the relationship. Being more independent can be empowering, making you more proactive in creating your own fulfillment.
Compersion may seem elusive, but with some practice, over time you may discover it is starting to happen. It can’t be forced or rushed, so have compassion for yourself and your partners, and allow it to develop naturally.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Kathy Labriola is a nurse, counselor, and hypnotherapist in private practice in Berkeley, California, providing affordable mental health services to alternative communities including the poly, kink, LGBTQ communities and political activists. Kathy is author of three books, Love in Abundance, and The Jealousy Workbook, published by Greenery Press, and “The Polyamory Break-up Book” published by Thorntree Press. She has been a card-carrying bisexual and polyamorist for nearly 50 years. She is political activist and community organizer. She is extra crunchy, lives in a housing cooperative, rides a bike, and raises chickens and organic vegetables.
Preferred pronouns: she, her
Email address: anarchofeminist@yahoo.com
Website: www.kathylabriola.com
