Guest blog by Kathy Labriola, Counselor, Nurse, & Author
What is compersion?
You may have heard people in open relationships talk about “Compersion.” This refers to feeling happy for your partner when they are in a romantic or sexual relationship with someone else. Because you care about your partner's happiness, it may be possible for you to feel supportive of their other relationships.
Most people feel threatened and “under siege,” when our beloved is with someone else. So we are so consumed with protecting our precious relationship that there is no room for compersion to emerge. As one man said, “If I'm feeling angry and depressed over my wife having a boyfriend, how could I possibly be happy for her?”
Try this Exercise to develop some compersion
Adapted from a Neuro Linguistics Programming technique, this can lead to feelings of compersion. It invites you to develop a broader perspective on your situation by trying to imagine what you, your partner, and their other partner are experiencing.
Step One: Relax by taking three deep breaths and getting more comfortable. Bring to mind and visualize the most recent situation which triggered your jealousy. Remember your thoughts, feelings, and physical sensations.
Step Two: Imagine being inside your partner's head, and how they are feeling about themselves, and towards you, and towards their other partner. Try to empathize with any distress they may be feeling, as well as with the love and good feelings they are feeling towards you, and towards their other partner.
Step Three: Try to imagine being inside the head of your partner's other partner, as if you could feel their feelings and think their thoughts. Imagine all complicated emotions they are feeling about your partner and about you.
Step Four: Then imagine floating up above all three of you, and try to imagine that you could see all three points of view simultaneously.
This may help you feel more love for your partner and their other partner, and empathize more with their experience. And some people feel compersion because they can see that this is stressful for everyone.
Zhang felt intense jealousy when her partner Thom slept overnight for the first time with Alicia. She couldn't sleep, felt “crappy about myself for not being able to handle this,” and felt betrayed and abandoned. After completing the exercise above, she realized that she needed to give herself credit for allowing Thom to spend the night with Alicia, since this was very hard for her to do. She felt proud of herself, and felt strong rather than weak. Then when she imagined being in her partner's shoes, she could see that he felt very pressured, since Alicia was demanding overnights. She could see how hard he was trying to please both of them. And when she tried to get inside Alicia's mind, she actually felt some warmth and concern for her. She realized that Alicia felt very hurt when Thom had to get up out of bed with her and leave at midnight to go home. Zhang felt compassion for Alicia lying in bed alone and feeling abandoned after Thom left. She had felt like she was a victim, suffering while Thom and Alicia were getting all the benefits. She could now see that all three of them were experiencing pain, and they were all working hard.
Jealousy often co-exists with Compersion
Some people have said that compersion is the opposite of jealousy, but in reality, jealousy often co-exists with compersion. Many people experience a combination of painful jealousy mixed in with positive feelings.
Adriana was very confused by her wildly vacillating feelings. One day she was feeling completely crushed by her husband Ruben starting a relationship with Jillian, and the next day she felt happy for him! Jillian was gorgeous, affluent, and well-respected in her field. Adriana was terrified that Ruben might leave her for someone she saw as “a better catch.” But she was proud that her husband was able to attract such an amazing woman, and this made her value him even more as a partner. And she knew that Ruben was socially awkward and had gone through years of loneliness and rejection, so she was happy that he was experiencing such validation of his sexual desirability. And he was feeling so good that he began showering Adriana with attention and love, so she was see-sawing between feeling angry and betrayed, and wanting to cheer Ruben on!
Kendra was married and had several outside sexual relationships over the years. Then her husband Jamal finally had his first outside relationship with his co-worker Tasha. Kendra simultaneously felt intense jealousy and supportive love towards them both. She was thrilled that he had finally found someone he really liked. But this was such a dramatic change, she was terrified that he didn’t love her anymore. “I was happy he had found a wonderful woman, but I thought this meant she was so unique and special that she would replace me.” Tasha fell in love with another man and married him, continuing to see Jamal. This made Kendra feel much safer and she experienced more compersion.
These mixed feelings can be quite confusing, but they are perfectly normal. It’s natural that you experience some positive feelings when you see your partner happily succeeding at something, even another love relationship! And it’s just as natural to feel threatened and anxious about your partner's sexual and romantic interest in someone else, so it makes sense that these seemingly contradictory feelings would co-exist. Many people only make things harder by telling themselves they “should” feel a certain way. Stop “shoulding” all over yourself! Instead, practice compassion for yourself, your partner, and others.
Sometimes compersion can be a surprise. Jimmie and Rebecca were on the verge of divorce because she was so jealous of him falling in love with Norma and spending a lot of time with her. Rebecca was convinced that Norma was out to steal her husband, and did everything to sabotage the relationship. Then Rebecca was diagnosed with cancer and had surgery and chemotherapy. During Rebecca’s illness, Norma cooked and delivered meals to their home. Norma was self-employed, so she was able to stop by every day while Jimmie was at work. The two women bonded because they were spending time together without Jimmie, and Rebecca began to look forward to seeing Norma every day. Rebecca said that having a life-threatening illness showed her that other things were much more important than whether her husband was dating another woman. So you never know when compersion will sneak up on you when you least expect it!
