Note: Adapted from the author’s upcoming book, Love and Freedom: Transcending Monogamy and Polyamory, to be published in 2021 by Rowman & Littlefield.
A major roadblock to relational freedom is arguably the experience of jealousy. In particular, jealousy may prevent many individuals from living a consensually nonmonogamous (CNM) or polyamorous lifestyle, as the thought of their long-time dyadic partner loving or being sexual with anyone else can be emotionally unbearable. Over many decades, countless men and women engaged in long-term monogamous arrangements have sincerely told me that they would actually love to have other sexual partners or romantic connections, but they refrained from seeking them—because their current partner would then want to do the same, and they feared or could not accept that outcome.
The pursuit of relational freedom requires a new approach to jealousy: Buddhism in particular offers a spiritual perspective and practice for moving beyond jealousy. This blog explores how the extension of the Buddhist contemplative quality of sympathetic joy or mudita from its original context to intimate relationships can transform jealousy and thus support greater relational freedom.
What is Mudita?
In Buddhism, sympathetic joy (mudita) is regarded as one of the “four immeasurable states” (brahmaviharas) or qualities of an enlightened person, and it refers to the human capability to participate in the joy of others—to feel happy when others feel happy (the other three are loving-kindness or metta, compassion or karuna, and equanimity or upeksha). In its original cultural context, Buddhist practitioners first practiced sympathetic joy in relation to friends or loved ones, then directed it to people toward whom they felt neutral, and finally toward difficult or hostile people, until the practice would encompass all beings.
The practice of mudita entails the meditative repetition of phrases such as “I am happy that you are happy,” “May your happiness and good fortune not leave you,” or “May your happiness not diminish,” pausing after each phrase to allow the words to reverberate in the heart. In some contemporary accounts, practitioners are recommended to begin the practice with themselves, with phrases such as “May I be happy” or “May my happiness continue”.
Although with different emphases, a similar understanding can be found in the contemplative teachings of other religious traditions where they talk about empathic or appreciative joy. For example, in Christianity, the practice of agape or selfless love includes desiring the well-being and happiness of all human beings. In Sufism, opening the “eye of the heart” is said to allow one to see the divine mystery everywhere and thus rejoice in the presence of anyone’s happiness. According to these traditions, the cultivation of sympathetic joy can break through the allegedly false duality between self and others, being therefore a potent aid on the path toward overcoming self-centeredness and achieving liberation from egocentric concerns and associated perspectives.
Practicing Mudita in Intimate Relationships
Intimate relationships offer human beings—whether spiritual practitioners or not—a precious opportunity to taste the experiential flavor of sympathetic joy. Most psychologically balanced individuals naturally share to some degree in the happiness of their mates. Bliss and delight can effortlessly emerge within as one feels the joy of a partner’s ecstatic dance, enjoyment of an art performance, relishing of a favorite dish, or serene contemplation of a splendid sunset. This innate capacity for sympathetic joy in intimate relationships often reaches its peak in deeply emotional shared experiences, sensual exchange, and lovemaking. When we are in love, the embodied joy of our beloved becomes extremely contagious.
For the vast majority of people, however, if my partner’s sensual or sexual joy arises in relation to someone other than me, the immediate reaction would not be expansive openness and love, but rather contracting fear—in the context of romantic relationships, jealousy appears to function as a hindrance to sympathetic joy.
The Buddhist concept and practice of mudita has much to offer in transforming jealousy to sympathetic joy. The relevance of sympathetic joy for intimate relationships becomes more visible when juxtaposed with contemporary research on compersion in polyamorous people.
Compersion in polyamorous relationships is reportedly felt as a tangible presence in the heart whose awakening may be accompanied by waves of warmth, pleasure, and appreciation at the idea of one’s partner loving others and being loved by them in nonharmful and mutually beneficial ways. In this light, I suggest that the term sympathetic joy can encompass compersion as a novel extension of mudita to the realm of intimate relationships and, in particular, to interpersonal situations that conventionally evoke feelings of jealousy.
In the context of jealousy-triggering situations in both polyamorous and monogamous relationships, for example, one may begin the practice of sympathetic joy with oneself (“May I be joyful”), then proceed with one’s partner (“May my partner experience joy with this person”), before extending the practice to the person interacting with one’s partner (“May s/he experience happiness with my partner”), and ending with a more integrative statement such as, “May this relationship bring joy and growth to me, my partner, and this third person.” The practice does not need to be undertaken just individually; it can be practiced with one’s partner(s), as well as in small groups of intimately related or unrelated people struggling with jealous feelings. In all cases, the statements can be uttered either for oneself in silence or aloud, as well as by combining inner repetition with outer verbalization.
Through the practice, one learns to disidentify from narrow egoic self-images (desiring happiness to others goes against the egoic tendency to split one’s own well-being from others’) while reinforcing one’s capability to metabolize challenging experiences and resolve inner tensions in the context of an expanded sense of selfhood. Such a combined effect can enhance people’s self-esteem and minimize negative reactions when facing jealousy-triggering situations. Thus, both monogamous and nonmonogamous people struggling with jealousy may benefit from cultivating sympathetic joy toward partners, third parties, and perceived “rivals.”
Spirituality and Relationship Styles
The transformation of jealousy through the cultivation of sympathetic joy bolsters the awakening of some of the heart’s most lofty potentials. Although to love without conditions is generally easier in the case of brotherly and spiritual love, as human beings heal the historical split between spiritual love (agape) and sensuous love (eros), the extension of sympathetic joy to more embodied forms of love (including sexual ones) can become a natural development. As jealousy dissolves, universal compassion and unconditional love become more easily available to the individual.
From a psychospiritual standpoint, an intimate relationship can be viewed as a structure through which human beings can not only sexually and emotionally mature, but also learn to express and receive love in many forms. Human beings are endowed with diverse dispositions that may predispose them toward different relationship styles—asexuality, singlehood, serial monogamy, open marriage, swinging, and polyamory, among other possibilities—either for life or at specific junctures in their paths. So, the culturally prevalent belief that the only psychospiritually correct sexual options are either celibacy or monogamy is a myth that may be causing unnecessary suffering and that needs, therefore, to be laid to rest.
In fact, it can be perfectly plausible to simultaneously hold more than one loving or sexual bond in a context of mindfulness and spiritual aspiration. This exploration can create unique opportunities for the development of sexual-emotional maturity, the transmutation of jealousy into sympathetic joy, the emancipation of embodied love from possessiveness, and the integration of sensuous and spiritual love.
About the Author
Jorge N. Ferrer, Ph.D. is professor of psychology at California Institute of Integral Studies, San Francisco. Formerly the chairman of the East–West Psychology department, he is the author of Revisioning Transpersonal Theory: A Participatory Vision of Human Spirituality (State University of New York Press, 2002) and Participation and the Mystery: Transpersonal Essays in Psychology, Education, and Religion (State University of New York Press, 2017), as well as co-editor of The Participatory Turn: Spirituality, Mysticism, Religious Studies (State University of New York Press, 2008). His work on alternative intimate relationships has been featured in journals such as Sexuality and Culture and Psychology and Sexuality. Jorge received the Fetzer Institute’s presidential award for his seminal work on consciousness studies, and was selected to become an advisor to the organization Religions for Peace at the United Nations on a research project aimed at solving global interreligious conflict. Jorge lectures and offers workshops and seminars on embodied spirituality, integral education, and the integration of sexuality and spirituality in the Unites States, Europe, and South America. He was born in Barcelona, Spain.
