When I first connected with Marie, I told her I was the least compersive person in the world. All joking aside, I am clear that compersion doesn’t come easily to me.
I believe that some of us are wired to be more compersive than others. Equally important, I have found that there are times when it is easier or more challenging for me to feel good about someone else’s happiness. Self-awareness and self-care are key parts of the equation. Additionally, while compersion is most frequently discussed in the context of polyamory and ethical non-monogamy, I think it has broader applications.
I wasn’t ever aware of the word compersion until I ventured into an ethically non-monogamous relationship. My husband and I have been happily married for nearly 25 years, and for the past three years, we have had an open marriage. While this has been a positive journey overall, we have had our share of challenges—especially in the past year and a half. In particular, at that time, my husband met and fell in love with someone, which was devastating to me. I had not expected this to be a possibility, much less to happen, so I was hit very hard with a wide range of difficult emotions.
Among those varied emotions, I felt a lot of guilt and shame about my lack of compersion. I felt I should be happy for my husband and his girlfriend. I had initially had a lot more dating activity, and my husband had been very supportive throughout it all. Why couldn’t I find the same support for him?
In response, I reached out to friends who had more/lengthier experience in ENM and asked for advice, which they readily provided. One friend and former paramour explained that despite being in an open marriage for over 15 years, compersion was always difficult for him. Yet, he and his wife persevered and carried on. It made me feel better to know that I was not alone in my feelings.
More recently, I realized that it can be tough for me to find compersion in other circumstances as well. A few months ago, a client shared that she had visited her parents to celebrate the holidays. Instead of being excited for her, I felt angry and annoyed that I did not have the same experience with my family. I felt bitter despite there being no threat to me or my wellbeing as a result of her joy.
In analyzing these different experiences, I have since discovered that when I feel good about myself and my life, and I am in a place of strength and health, I can be much more compersive toward everyone. When I have the time and energy to invest in proper self-care (which has been especially difficulty during the pandemic), get enough sleep, and have a strong sense of security and self-worth, I can come at life from a positive place and embrace the happiness and good fortune of others. Conversely, when I feel overwhelmed, exhausted, and shut down, I want everyone in the world to be equally miserable. Well, not exactly, but… you get the idea.
I now know that when I am operating on an empty tank and have nothing to give to myself, let alone anyone else, it is extremely difficult to be compersive. It’s a necessary balance, not a character flaw. #human
With my husband’s relationship with his girlfriend, there was an added challenge: even when I was feeling well and strong, how could I be happy about something that was causing me such intense pain? As a result of his deep love and strong emotional connection with her, I felt that our marriage had been irrevocably changed—and not in a way that I welcomed. I tried to accept the new normal, but I really didn’t want to. So, despite wanting my husband to be happy, it was just a bridge too far. In truth, I never attained true compersion in this situation.
In the wake of that experience, my husband and I have come to a place of understanding as to what I and our marriage can handle in the way of external relationships, and we have made significant adjustments in how we approach the openness of our marriage. Also, over the past six months, I have done a lot of work on becoming more secure and overcoming my many traumas (as I dealt with jealousy, insecurity and severe depression, I also became aware of my abandonment trauma and unresolved sexual trauma).
Yet, despite my personal growth, I still take each day at a time. Some days I am open to hearing all (well, most) of the details of my husband’s dates, while on others I simply ask if he had a nice time and can’t stomach to hear more than a quick “Yes” response.
I am grateful to have come to realization that I can be a compersive person, but that I need to take care of myself first and foremost. Further, I need to have the self-awareness as to what I can and can’t handle in a given situation or even a given moment. Plus, I need my partner to have the awareness of how his behavior is impacting me. For both of us, it requires a combination of patience, love, and understanding. In the end, if I have compassion for myself; I will truly find compersion for others.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Jeannie X has been happily married to her best friend and soulmate, Viktor, for almost 25 years. However, for most of their marriage, she suffered from sexual shutdown, shame and a lack of libido. She knew she wanted so much more for herself and for her marriage.
In her book, Summer of Sexiness: A Self Awakening, she shares her story of how she started with traditional talk therapy and branched out to less conventional methods, from S Factor pole dancing classes and BDSM workshops to erotic parties and exploring the ins and outs of an open marriage, to overcome sexual trauma and improve her sex life and, ultimately, find her true self.
She and Viktor are the authors of the “Summer of Sexiness” blog, which chronicles their open relationship. They live in New York City with their pup.
Preferred pronouns: she, her
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/summerofsexiness/
Book: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08X4GN327
Blog: https://summerofsexiness.com
