Is compersion necessary to have successful non-monogamous relationships? Well, it turns out, it depends on how we define “compersion”.
As part of my PhD research, I interviewed a group of compersive individuals and asked them to describe their experiences of compersion. I discovered that, far from being a single concept, how people define compersion falls into two main categories.
The first one is embodied compersion. It is what most of us think about when we hear the word: the empathic, intoxicating joy we might feel when our partner is experiencing a pleasurable connection with someone else. It’s an erotic and/or emotional turn on that is felt in the body. This type of compersion is sometimes described with colorful adjectives like “frubbly,” “bubbly,” “warm & fuzzy”, “sparkly,” “titillating,” “a buzz or a high,” etc. Yet, that is often the kind of compersion that most people, especially in monogamous settings, cannot imagine experiencing.
The second type is attitudinal compersion. Like the name suggests, it happens at the attitude level. It is the overall interpretation of our partner’s happiness with another person as a positive event, and the supportive behaviors we show towards our partner’s other relationship(s). It might not involve the kind of bliss that has us wanting to hear about all the details of our partner’s date, but it means holding a supportive outlook towards our partner’s other love(s).
Since I began my research on compersion, I spoke to several non-monogamous folks who have told me: “I don’t like the concept of compersion, because it feels like an unattainable ideal. I don’t personally experience it, and it’s making me feel like I’m not poly enough”. In other words, the concept of compersion had become a stick to beat themselves with. I would like to help change this.
In reality, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with you or your relationship if you are not experiencing embodied compersion. You definitely can have a fulfilling non-monogamous life without it.
However, a compersive attitude is important to creating a sense of inclusion, harmony, and mutual support in a non-monogamous relationship. Without a mutually supportive and positive regard towards our partners’ other loves, it will be difficult to feel deeply connected, loved, and accepted.
While you can never, ever force embodied compersion on yourself or a partner, it is possible to cultivate a compersive attitude as long as you are in a healthy relationship context. This means you will not have access to attitudinal compersion if there is betrayal, secrecy, lack of consent, unhealthy power dynamics, or other major issues in your relationship.
Short of that, however, here are some ways to cultivate a compersive attitude:
1- Make sure your values and mindset align with your relationship agreements. You must actually want to be non-monogamous at this time, and you and your partner have to be on the same page about your chosen relationship structure. Consensual non-monogamy is not a universally preferable structure, so do not force yourself or anyone else into it if it’s not a heartfelt YES from all parties. Otherwise, you might hold on to shame, resentment, or doubt that will prevent you from being supportive of your partner’s other relationship(s).
2- Fill your own plate first! Having your personal needs met (self-care, self-love, inner security, a sense of purpose, etc.) is a foundational condition to feeling generous towards another person’s joy. What do you need to have a full plate? Do you need a good night’s sleep, regular exercise, job security, time with friends, a connection with a trusted counselor or therapist…? Whatever these needs are for you, fill them to the extent of your abilities!
3- Fill your relational needs. Are your relational needs fulfilled with your partner(s)? If you are feeling a lack of love, affection, trust, openness or honesty in your relationship(s), it will be very difficult to have a compersive attitude (and you can pretty much forget about embodied compersion)! Everyone has different nervous systems, histories, and needs when it comes to relationships. Attend to those needs with love, compassion, and patience.
4- Cultivate a positive connection with your metamour—if possible. Positive regard towards your lover’s lover makes compersion more likely to occur. If an actual connection is not possible, focus on the positive impact that person is bringing to your partner’s life. If there is no positive impact to be found, compersion might not be possible or even appropriate in the circumstances.
5- Surround yourself with supportive community. Having non-monogamous friends and role models that understand and validate your relationship style catalyzes the process of developing compersion. Those people can help you reframe jealousy and be reassuring when it occurs, rather than shaming you for choosing non-monogamy.
Cultivating the elements listed above will likely contribute to developing a more compersive attitude. However, pressuring yourself or a partner into “being more compersive” without being present to the challenges at play is certain to make the relationship weaker, not stronger. In other words, you must be gentle with yourself and your loved ones, and sincerely want the best for everyone involved, before compersion can arise.
Finally, you will most likely experience jealousy and compersion at the same time. Those two emotions are deeply human and often coexist. Kindness, open communication, generosity, and trust will create a fertile terrain for attitudinal compersion—which will likely pave the way to embodied compersion down the road.
If you need additional support on your compersion journey, consider counseling. You are doing something emotionally and culturally subversive, so it’s normal to encounter substantial challenges. Celebrate the small wins and bless your relationship(s) with patience and nurturance—you are expanding the reaches of human love! :)
Warmly,
Marie
