I witness many people use the idea of compersion as a stick to beat themselves with. They’ll say things like, “I’m not feeling compersion: What’s WRONG with me?”, “I must not be poly ENOUGH!”, or, my favorite, “I’m so JEALOUS of people who experience compersion!”
This perspective, sadly, reduces a complex system into a good/bad binary that is ripe for shaming self and others.
I have found through research, experience, and coaching that a more helpful inquiry is to use compersion as a flashlight to illuminate the areas in our relationships that can be improved. Better questions to ask are: “When is it easier or harder for me to feel compersion? What factors are at play in these different scenarios?”, “What is the presence or lack of compersion showing me about myself and my relationship(s)?”, and “What would I need to feel more supportive of my partner’s other relationship(s)?”
Indeed, the presence or absence of compersion in your consensually non-monogamous (CNM) relationships might tell you more about the qualities of the “system” in which you operate than it does about you as a “separate” individual (isn’t separation an illusion anyways?)
I use the word “system” to refer to the amalgam of factors that impact your CNM relationship experiences, including the attributes of your relationship with yourself, partners, metamours, community, and the wider society and ideological forces in which you relate and function.
Why is it important to look at the “system” rather than just you as an individual? This has to do with how interconnected we are. We are unavoidably and continually impacted by/with one another as we share emotions, beliefs, experiences, and even viruses with others, whether we like it or not.
In such an interconnected system, one person’s good health or illness says as much about the plethora of factors at play (exposure to environmental pollutants, access to healthcare and high-quality food, culture around exercise, genetics, luck, etc.) as it says about that person’s individual lifestyle choices. Because we do not operate as separate entities, it is essential to destigmatize both physical and mental ailments if we are to begin healing the system and the individuals within it.
I argue it’s the same thing in CNM relationships. There are too many people using the concept of compersion as a stick to beat themselves and others with—when in fact, it would be better used as a flashlight to illuminate the places where love isn’t shining, thus obstructing the potential for a positive feedback loop of compersion to occur. Doing this provides the opportunity to bring more compassion and awareness into these areas, and strengthen the whole system in the process.
Let me give you a couple of examples.
One coaching client of mine (let’s call her client A) is in a polyamorous relationship with her wife. She tells me that she struggles with feeling compersion towards her wife’s latest steamy relationship with a new woman. She reveals that this new woman has been avoiding meeting her, unlike previous metamours with whom friendship and compersion had been easier. She senses that this new woman “would prefer she (my client) didn’t exist”, which obstructs the possibility for a positive feedback loop of respect and appreciation to develop. This creates an obstacle to compersion. We illuminate the fact that she feels unloved and excluded in this scenario, and fears that her wife’s new connection with this lover might negatively impact their relationship. Even though she initially felt shame for not being more supportive, she understands that she is not “bad” for not feeling compersion: instead, she is taking this opportunity to learn to voice her own needs to meet her metamours and establish mutual positive regard as a way to feel included in her wife’s life and share her joy when being with others. As a result of uncovering this issue, my client, her wife, and her metamour are creating new relationship agreements to support their individual and collective growth and sense of safety. This is a transformative process for all of them.
A different coaching client (client B) has been in a swinging relationship with his wife for over 20 years. He normally feels compersion during their swinging encounters, but the last one was different. He noticed how his wife was connecting with that other man in a tantric way, which is something he had never witnessed before. Some deep jealousy and insecurity about not being her best lover came up. His lack of compersion in that instance allowed him to uncover a new desire to explore tantra, as well as to create a stronger support system of male friendships for himself as he is exploring his insecurity. In fact, he decided to explore a friendship with that particular man. While he initially felt shame for not being more immediately supportive of his wife’s relationship with this man, he understands that he is not “bad” for not feeling compersion: instead, he is taking this opportunity to build more security within himself and make his world bigger.
I could go on. Here are some more common examples of blocks to compersion:
- Internalized mononormativity
- A partner not being 100% on board with CNM (“poly under duress”, anyone…?)
- Lack of supportive community and role models
- Personal insecurities and comparison
- Metamour characteristics that create a sense of threat: Do you perceive them as more attractive, more competent, disrespectful of boundaries, a bad influence on one’s partner, etc.? Do they illuminate a specific wound or insecurity in you? Is the timing particularly challenging—maybe you haven’t slept well or just lost a job or a parent? Are there unhealthy or uncomfortable power dynamics at play?
- Lack of security in relationship, preexisting relationship issues
- Double-standards
- Imbalanced power dynamics
- Betrayal of relationship agreements
- Lack of transparent communication
- Lack of feeling loved, heard, cherished, or valued
Each one of these blocks can become a window, an opportunity to grow into healthier relationship dynamics with self and others.
Experiencing compersion, while wonderful when it happens, is not as important as the process of developing supportive loving relationships. In fact, not everyone feels “embodied compersion” (please refer to my last blog, Two Types of Compersion: An Empowering Distinction, for an explanation of the difference between embodied and attitudinal compersion) even when everything is going great in the system or polycule. In other words, there’s never anything wrong with NOT feeling compersion: neutral benevolence towards our beloved’s other relationship(s) is more than enough! That said, if we include “attitudinal compersion” as a valid form of compersion (that simply means being supportive of a partner’s other connection, and interpreting these connections as positive events), then it’s very likely to happen when the context is ripe for it.
In sum, creating a hospitable environment for compersion—individually, relationally, and socially—matters even more than the end result. Creating such a contextual environment requires a deep commitment to integrity, autonomy, openness, honesty, care, consent, freedom, solidarity, and kindness. It implies the presence of empathy and gratitude, and highlights the deeply interconnected nature of human relationships.
Creating a relational life that embodies the necessary conditions for compersion represents a remarkable feat in and of itself—because these are conditions of healthy relating. The essence of this journey can apply to monogamists and consensually non-monogamous folks alike—providing a foundation for relationship satisfaction and individual happiness in any relationship style.
Please let me know what you find when you begin using compersion as a flashlight! And don’t hesitate to reach out if I can support you further on your journey.
About the Author:
Dr. Marie Thouin is the founder of Love InSight, a Mindful Dating Coaching practice where she helps people of all ages, genders, and sexual/relationship orientations navigate the path of intimate love—including couples transitioning to non-monogamy and/or alternative relationship structures. Please visit this page for services, pricing, and to schedule an appointment.
Marie completed her doctoral dissertation on compersion in consensually non-monogamous individuals in the East-West Psychology department at the California Institute of Integral Studies in San Francisco. She also serves as Editor at the International Journal of Transpersonal Studies, a leading peer-reviewed publication in the fields of transpersonal and whole-person psychologies. Her work on compersion was featured several articles and podcasts.
